Most of our time was spent in the family truckster (mom’s taxi, man-van, Bessie, insert your family’s vehicle nickname here). We were in CA for two weeks, and I swear, collectively, I bet we spent 5 full days driving. So a lot of our stories will involve the van or take place in the van. It was the ‘eighth person’, if you will.

Late one night, I think we were on our way home from Knott’s Berry Farm — America’s First Theme Park (oddly enough NONE of the kids had heard of it before and no one knew how to say it; Nutsberry Yard? What? Where is this place? What’s it called again? Why are we going there? Pillsbury Park? Smucker’s Smackdown? What’s it called again?), …everyone was talking and telling stories, when Anne tells us that her best friend Hannah’s cat was eaten by a Komodo Dragon, right in their front yard:

Everyone in the van (EITV): What?! A KOMODO DRAGON? Are you sure?

Anne (A): Yes. (In the most sympathetic-can-you-believe-it voice) A Komodo Dragon — it escaped from the Houston Zoo. Can you believe that? How scarred would you be if you saw your family cat eaten by a Komodo Dragon in your front yard?

EITV (in a very suspicious tone): A KOMODO DRAGON?

A: I swear. I am SO not lying, you can call Hannah yourself. It escaped from the Zoo, roamed the streets of Houston, ate Hannah’s cat, jumped the fence into the neighbor’s yard and the dog cornered in it’s dog house. They had to call animal control to pick it up.

EITV: WHAT? The dog didn’t get eaten?

A: Nope.

EITV: The dog didn’t get eaten. But it saved the entire neighborhood from inpending doom by capturing an escaped Komodo Dragon — hiding in a doggie house?

A: you guys. Come on. Hannah’s cat was EATEN by a Komodo Dragon. I totally wouldn’t lie to you about this. Why don’t you believe me?

EITV: The neighbor called animal control and said “Our family mutt just cornered a Komodo Dragon in our backyard. Do you know if anyone is missing one?”

A: Yep. Call Hannah. You’ll see. She’ll tell you the whole story.

Mike (under his breath): I’m sure she will….

EITV: They didn’t call any news affiliates? Inside Edition? PETA?

A: No. 100% true. It was so crazy…

Julie: I’m gonna Google this shit when we get home.

A: fine.

EITV: How was the Zoo transporting a Komodo Dragon? They just brought it home from the Galapagos in a burlap bag? The thing must have taken down a few zoo keepers in the process.

Julie: What’s that stuff called the divers use? Youknow! It’s like Medieval or something. The gloves. It protects them from getting bitten. Youknow…that stuff that shark handlers use –

Mike: Chain mail

Julie: yeah. I bet the Zoo Keepers had to wear chain mail gloves to handle a ‘Komodo Dragon’.

EITV: Are you sure Hannah’s family wasn’t vacationing in the Galapagos with the family cat? That seems much more plausible. I mean Jeff – f-ing – Corwin is afraid of those things…

Sophie: I think that’s what ate the Crocodile Hunter…

A: No. They weren’t vacationing in the Galapagos (in a very condescending voice).

Joey (in a very scientific/Discovery Channel/Darwinian voice): You know Komodo Dragons can run up to 30 MPH and weigh in upwards of 100 pounds or more. Their bite alone will kill you from all of the bacteria. I doubt it was a Komodo Dragon. It was probably a Gila Monster/Lizard — it’s the same family, don’t let the size fool you though — it’s just as deadly.

Johnny: Maybe it was a Gecko — you know like on the commercials with the cavemen?!

Mike: Maybe you misunderstood the story. Maybe it was her cat vacationing in the Galapagos…

A: You guys this really happened. Hannah’s cat was eaten — okay, maybe not eaten all the way, just really messed up by a Komodo Dragon.

Mike: Listen carefully to what you just said.

Anne, clearly saddened by the fact that none of us were buying her story of a Komodo Dragon on the lam. Eating house pets. In Houston Texas. The third largest populated city in the country, — fell very silent.

Mike: It’s not that we think you are lying…. it’s just that…

Heath: Did her family like the cat? How old was it?

A: Pretty old…

Mike: In a very parental, epiphytic tone: Ookaaay. Here’s what happened: While Hannah and her brother were at school one day, Hannah’s parents thought ‘it was time’ and didn’t know how to tell the kids when they came home. So they star…

Heath: I can see Hannah’s parents now: “…we were having tea in the back yard watching the cat play, when all of a sudden. BAM! Two words: KOMODO DRAGON. Out of nowhere. Ate the cat. In one bite.

I’m still laughing about the entire exchange that night.

Anne felt vindicated when, later that night, she called Hannah to check her facts. Yep. Hannah was right. Komodo Dragon. — except, Hannah was like 4 or 5, — and at school when the family pet met it’s untimely demise via Komodo Dragon, and she thinks it happened in the front yard or was it the back — anyway — her brother saw the entire thing and he was younger than Hannah at the time. He gave Hannah all of the details that night as their parents were tucking them into bed. …the story line grows murkier and murkier… But Anne is standing by her friend!

I Googled it. Found a few things about Komodo Dragons at the Houston Zoo. no links to, “then escapes and downs family cat for dessert….”

Hannah’s uncle is one of Mike’s really good friends — Barry. I made Mike call Barry tonight to the bottom of this. Once Barry stopped laughing, he told Mike he was pretty sure that if his sister’s (a.k.a. Hannah’s mom) cat was eaten by a Komodo Dragon he would know about it. Surly that would at least warrant a phone call. that is news worthy stuff.

Even if Barry’s sister/Hannah’s mom didn’t call Barry about the carnivore-ic episode, you think it would at least be up for Holiday dinner conversation fodder. Right? “C’mon — you didn’t hear about the Komodo Dragon story? Tell them about the giant lizard eating our cat…”

Well, it would at our house…

I think what started the whole episode was Heath talking about his pet bunny playing outside and being snatched from his yard by a hawk. Now THAT I totally believe….

This year’s family vacation was slightly different. Not different in an adventureous kind of way like staying anywhere new (it’s always at PoPo’s house, we wouldn’t have it any other way), or going to new restaurants or shops or beach breaks. That would be ’stepping out of the box’. We don’t want any surprises when we order our In & Out Burger, we want consistency, we’re on vacation! What was different was the amount of people we were in charge of.

Five.

Kids.

Plus Mike and I, and occasionally PoPo.

We had the usual Romano siblings:
Joey,

Johnny,

and the always cheeky Sophia…

Of course Anne–she’s good at running interference for us. Always helpful on vacation.

Then about a month before our vacation, as I was coming off a weekend bender, a thought crossed my mind, “Why stop at four kids? Let’s add one more…”. Kind of like Angelina Jolie does. So I went to the mean streets of Galveston and found Heath:

All kidding aside, both ‘extras’ we would take with us again in a heartbeat. They were great with the kids and they always kept Mike and I in stitches. I will warn you now if you don’t have teenagers, they smell. Badly. Each time we piled in the van we all tried to figured out where (or who) the smell was emanating from. If you plan any trips with teenagers (including Joey) in your future, I just have three words for you: BEANO and FOOT SPRAY. Trust me on this one. Okay, one time it really was a bottle of vinegar that broke open and not Anne taking off her flip-flops (sorry girl!) — but I refuse to leave the vinegar at home — it’s a must-have to battle nasty jelly stings!

Once we were convinced who the culprit of the offensive odor was, everyone ripped into them for about 10 minutes, the laughter and ribbing would die down and you would hear the REAL culprit (usually Joey) speak up and say, in a low I’m-so-ashamed-and-I’m-going-to-get-it-next voice, “oops. sorry. it was me”. Then it would start all over again.

The hardest part of the trip was trying to explain to everyone our connection to Anne and Heath. I thought it would be funny to tell people they were “unpaid interns”, or that Mike and I were running “an outreach program”. The first few times I said it Heath and Anne thought it was kind of funny (I thought I was down right CLEVER!). As each moment presented itself for me to do my one woman comedy show, Heath and Anne could sense my preplanned one-liners coming on and they would politely sigh and walk away from me. ouch! I still think it’s funny.

So, I decided to mix it up a bit and go trendy when people asked if all FIVE kids were ours. “No. One is our Nanny and the other one is our Manny (male nanny)…”, or “I decided to ‘outsource’ the whole mommy thing so I could have a real vacation”. Then I started to mail-it-in and go the easy route, “We’re Italian. We’re fertile people.”, and finally, I just gave into the entire idea. When someone would say “your son (Heath)…”, I would just go with it, and knowingly nod.

One early morning we were at McDonald’s (don’t all great family memories start at the Golden Arches? — TIP: this is where the Beano comes in handy), the kids were at one table and Mike and I were far enough away to still be legally responsible for them, but not too close as to have any meaningful conversations with them, Mike said, “What a good looking bunch of kids. I’d claim all of them”. Yeah, me too. Heath even tried to teach my boys manners! Really. I’m not kidding. By the end of the trip I was calling Heath ‘Babe’, just like the others (Anne’s milestone was last year).

Even after two smelly weeks with everyone, I would proudly say that every kid was mine.

More later…